In There Like Swim Wear

Ever since making my blogs public public. Not just public. Yes there is definitely a difference.

There’s been a shit load of Russian spam. As well as the occasional rectal cream ads that I have to sift through and deny. I can’t have comments about a none itchy anus on me expressing myself so vulnerably. That would be totes weird babe.

I’ve also noticed no one has really been looking at it.

Which makes me feel better. I’m really speaking into the void.

I can say anything I want without worrying about being perceived.

I will say having rectal cream ads really makes me wonder how I am being perceived. Why rectal cream? Why on sappy posts about things I feel? We will never really know. Maybe they think I have an itchy asshole.

I don’t.

I’ve been procrastinating on posting, because of how I thought I was being perceived.

Now I don’t care. We are the void baby.

I’ve also been dealing with weird mental blocks. Questioning my ability to create. I know everyone does, but it’s been so challenging.

I haven’t been feeling inspired at all lately.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been keeping up with my health physical wise. But mental and spiritual side have been taking weird tolls.

I’m questioning my belief systems more often than not. Which is healthy todo so, but the extent of existentialism is almost daunting.

I would like to say I believe in God. I think I do. There has to be this omnipresent loving thing. MY human brain just can’t conceptualize it. Not enough to form it into words at least. Words feel too limiting to describe an ever loving being.

Then you get into the topic of well why war, why cancer, why all these bad things if there is a God?

But you need ying and yang.

How would you know that you were living in bad if at one point you didn’t experience good.

But the rut I’m falling into is thinking what’s the point of starting anything. It’s actually so fucking stupid if you think about it. Because I would never tell a friend to fuck it why bother. I would encourage them to leap into whatever harder.

I just don’t know why I don’t give myself the same grace.

We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could be.

I mean we have to live with it all after all.