Will I Ever Put My Phone Down?

I’ve been on my phone a lot today. I did read some of this book I borrowed from library. Which let me tell you I hadn’t been in almost 13 years. It was a world of its own. Also library cards are free and I forgot!

Even though I felt like I had plenty to keep myself busy, I was still so sucked in it felt like a mind virus. I can’t explain the level of addiction I have grown to have. It has almost become scary. I am letting myself fall into a weird pit of endless doom scroll. It really makes me want to curl up and cry for my mom, but alas I shall try to express the way I feel by writing as often as I can. 

I don’t want the world to harden me, but it has. My soul feels exhausted. I don’t want to worry about things outside of my control, but i don’t know what to think or do. I am paralyzed by my thoughts. Dead in my tracks, scared to live, afraid to die.

It’s this weird vicious cycle I have grown to put myself through. Every day I have been prone to doing the same things expecting a different result. Insanity. I don’t understand what made me get to this point. Maybe it’s my codependency in my relationship, maybe it’s me thinking someone is going to save me. I don’t want to blame my partner either, he has done nothing but help me be better.

I just can’t shake the feeling of not being truly aligned with how I was meant to live, not by his standards anyway. That’s not a diss on him either, I just feel like maybe we have different expectations for this life. The things that once interested me don’t anymore. I feel stuck. In life, in my job, in my relationship. I need something to change. 

We’re moving into a new place at the end of the month, but I just can’t grasp the feeling of me not doing enough with my life. I just feel lazy. I don’t have any motivation and life hasn’t been giving me the motivation I need. I’ve been adding new hobbies to my repertoire however, trying to have solid routine to make myself not feel so stuck. Going to the gym for the past year has helped a lot, but I still have this dark cloud hovering over me. 

When I’m all alone and have no one. My phone is there, and there are strangers relating to me, but also information I could have lived without. Animals going extinct, pollution, racism amongst my own people, and war. There’s just so much going on. Not saying I shouldn’t be informed, but there’s only so many petitions I can sign, and money I can donate, before it gets all too much. 

I think I need to be more grateful. I’m chasing happiness as if I’m not the creator of my own happiness. I can just think myself into feeling better about myself, and actually using this energy for a good. But everything feels like it has to be profited from and it makes things less enjoyable. I’ve been mediating on just being grateful for what I have. If I’m going to be honest. Life is great. Despite circumstances I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet. I am alive, and healthy at that! 

I’m hoping that I write myself into betterment. The world needs my chill, calm, collected, taking it by the horns mentality. I feel like as I have aged I’ve grown to care more about what people think. Odd stuff. Let’s hope I stop caring enough to let myself not get mentally trapped by my algorithm. 

Technology is awesome, but letting it consume you is where it gets ungodly. 

Thank you for being here.