Enjoy or Be Enjoyed

I feel like there’s really no other way to put it. You either enjoy life while you are in it or get enjoyed by others. If you aren’t enjoying your own life, outside forces will come and enjoy it for you. Mere suggestions people make, you’ll take on. What ever advertisements you see on your phone you’ll think are you. You forget to think for yourself and forget to do the things that you want to do. Merely just a Petri dish for the enjoyment of others.

Realizing I Was The Enjoyment

As I ripen I realize that for a really big portion of my life, I was getting enjoyed. Involved with people who liked the idea of me. They liked the fact that I essentially would do what they assumed of my person. But the assumptions they made were based on personal opinions of who they thought I was. I was keeping up with their thoughts. I was constantly doing things for the external validation of others. There were weird moments in my life where I was a punching bag for people’s opinions of me.

For example, if it meant being the drunkest at the party, being sloppy—that’s who I was. If people were talking about how much of a male attention seeker I was, guess who would play the part? Me. Living like that isn’t what life is about, and it sucks that it took an acid trip with ego-death-induced trauma to steer me in the better direction. It’s weird seeing yourself through a point of view that seems unrecognizable. The only thing I could do was look at my hands because it was me who put this on myself. My own choices led me to do things that were out of touch with who I wanted to be.

I wanted to have someone pull me out of my own mind. It was scary. I felt like I had no one to relate to because I couldn’t even relate to myself. I was a shell of the perceptions I took on. I realized that I didn’t want to be those perceptions anymore. I wanted todo things because Jen wanted to. Not because people thought things about me and I needed to fill those voids.

Even years later, when I feel like I have learned new ways of living, I am still unlearning living for others. It has become a minute by minute endeavor. Which I get to do.

Last thing: Live For You

In summary, if there is one thing I recommend as a takeaway, never live your life for others. Don’t live your life for the approval of outside factors. The only way out is through—get to know what sparks that fire inside you. Get to where you can enjoy being here, and not to where the sole purpose of your existence is for others’ enjoyment. Love yourself so much that you don’t even think twice when it comes to what you want. I love you all. Thank you.