Can Lonely Be My Community?

I’ve been trying to get myself together enough to put my thoughts onto this page. For some reason, I’ve had the worst anxiety known to man these past few days. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. So if nothing makes sense—but somehow it might—that’s why.

Lets Get Into It

I wish I could just wipe away all the negative thoughts and feelings I have about my life. I know you have to fake it until you basically rewire your thought patterns, but I’ve been faking it for years. Trying to think myself into happiness, doing things to make me feel more whole—but I’m lonely.

I finally have all this time to myself now, with no distractions. I can prioritize my strengths, but instead, I sit here, pondering myself into pure melancholy. Reaching into the depths of my mind, trying to figure out a way to run away from it. But there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I have to sit with my emotions. I have to sit with everything I’ve been avoiding all these years. It feels weird not being able to just walk away or run to my friend’s house for an escape. Or hit my vape like a baby with a binky.

I didn’t realize that hitting my vape as much as I did was a way of avoiding my feelings. I know you’re probably thinking, “Jesus, with the vape—get over it already.” It was a crutch of a vice, like most of them are, okay?

All To Myself

It’s weird having this newfound time. It never really left me, but it was being placed elsewhere. Now, I’m finally away from constant human surroundings, and it’s strange. I almost liked being surrounded by all the distractions—anything to get me out of my mind. It’s peculiar, having to work towards making your mind a cozy home to be in.

I want everyone who reads this to know I love myself and the essence I bring. But I’ve been feeling all sorts of wack this week. And with feeling all sorts of wack comes facing the avoidances. The buildup, if you will. The spike before the crash.

My car has been hit by a deer. The job I work at is probably the easiest job I’ve ever had in my life, but the public is at its peak. It’s not fulfilling anymore, and to be quite frank, I always feel like I’m being used like a dirty towel. I am neither a towel, nor am I dirty. So I’m thinking of jumping ship with that.

Are The People Peopleing?

Also, the state of the world through the internet is scary. Scrolling through my phone doesn’t satisfy me in the way it did. I’m literally scrolling myself to death. The concept of that is evil.

Humans are also such weirdos, man. I love being a human, but holy lord, the complications it brings—especially if we aren’t thinking about the growth of it all. We are supposed to be the guiding light for the Earth, not the ruiners. Especially given the circumstances. Not saying we are all bad, but a lot of us are. Some people take the product of their environment to another level. And these money-hungry corporations? They’re primarily to blame.

I want the community aspect of living to be more prominent. Maybe I’d feel less lonely if there were a community for lonely people working towards their goals. Maybe if everyone put the same energy they do in the Super Bowl towards the betterment of their surroundings we’d be better. But that’s something we can dive into a different time.

For now I thank you for reading this far and I hope you get a hold of the people you love to tell them you love them.