Parts Of My Old Self

Sex for me for the longest time was something I used as a way to get the boys to actually want to be with me.

I never viewed it as anything sacred, or realized that my body didn’t need to be shared with anyone just because I was finally legal. I used to give myself up for meaningless hookups. I never gave myself the chance to truly know someone before I gave my body to them.

I was always hoping the sex would give me meaning. Hoping that someone would eventually like me for me, without my limbs being involved. I thought that by filling my holes, I would somehow fill this emptiness I felt inside.

Also would like to add that I unfortunately fall under a statistic of someone who was sexually assaulted. And as the story goes, you are either a sexual deviant, or you find it downright appalling.

I haven’t met anyone who has been through this with an in-between. Unless you haven’t been assaulted. Then you get the opportunity to fuck up your life on your own accord.

How I High Schooled

A big portion of my high school career was dedicated to pointless hookups, and being very promiscuous. As I have previously spoken about, people had this idea of me, and I began to have this idea of myself. And coming from a small town, things never really stayed your business for long. Especially if the wrong person was informed of any business you may have been a part of.

Personally at the time, I never really cared about how people perceived me.

Maybe some part of me might have, but we couldn’t show the people that. They’ll eat you alive if they smelled fear.

Fucking sickos that small town was.

I felt it normal to my person to be this promiscuous being. My parents didn’t know so why care ya know? I kept a low profile to them, in fear of them rejecting me, and not loving me.

So I kept on the promiscuity. Losing friends because of it, and making new ones because they thought it was bad ass how care free I was.

Then things started getting more real.

THE Notorious Picture

I’m not sure what made me agree to do this, but I ended up having a three way before my shift at McDonalds at the time. Letting the boys take a picture and thinking nothing of it. I should have known better than to trust dudes when they say “no one else will see.”

That-and the fact we did this at their friend’s house with other people outside the room- like, what was I expecting?

I go into my shift at McDonalds, everything felt fine. Then I clock out.

My phone is blown up.

Girls from different schools were messaging me telling me to kill myself.

Random dudes I’ve never met are hitting my line asking me “how much?”

My friends are calling me telling me they somehow got this picture and were making sure I was okay.

In that moment all I could think about was I hope my parents don’t find out.

Obviously right? This would ruin this whole perception they had of a put-together-16-year-old, that didn’t engage in such activities. Thankfully they didn’t find out.

School was hell for the next few months. Guys in the hall way would walk by, and make train horn noises. My only reaction was to ignore, or laugh and do it too. But for some reason that wasn’t the response they wanted.

Eventually it made its way to the teachers, and the police had to get involved. In that moment I knew my double life was about to turn into one.

But I somehow by my sheer will, managed to lie to my mom and tell her I could go to the police station alone. Telling her it was for a fight that happened at school and I was witness.

(I would like to add that my parents are Mexican, and my mom could barely speak English so it truly could have not worked out better for me-or at least that’s how I viewed it.)

Now though?

Me now hates all this so much, and I never truly grasped how alone I was in those moments. It explains so much when we look at how my acid spiral trip brought out such a huge ego death.

I was a mold of everything but what I wanted to be.

Safe Teenage Sex

Then things could have not gotten more intense for me. From all the times I was having sex, I was being super responsible. Or as responsible as a 17 year old could be.

I would set up weekly STD check ups at the free health clinic. Made sure to stay protected, regardless of how pushy dudes were. And let me tell you, dudes are feral.

Then it happened.

I had unprotected sex ONCE.

I literally can’t believe after the three way incident I still trusted a guy.

I went for my usual check up, and a few days later I got a call.

I had Clamydia.

My heart sank.

This was it. I was gonna die from how sexual I had been.

Or so I thought.

Thankfully we are in the modern health world where it’s treatable. But it easily could have not been.

You would think at this point I would have open up to my parents about how I almost ruined my entire life. I didn’t. I did however finally slow my roll with sex, and started meeting people without using my limbs. The amount of guys that expected a hook up when it was just a hang was hilarious.

They were surprised given how I was perceived.

My view on sex started changing, and I actually went 2 years without it. It was really nice.

Things Change

When I was 19, I experienced an acid induced paranoia. That led me to make the decision that it was finally time to open up to my parents.

I unfolded all parts of myself to them. I let them know about all the things I was getting myself into.

It felt like the biggest weight lifted. They knew me for me, and my parents are so awesome too.

They were as understanding as they could have been. They showed me love, which was something I didn’t think they were going todo. I wish I would have known how understanding they were at the time of me committing all these sexual acts. I would have liked having conversations before the actions.

Maybe that would have changed some of the decisions I had made at the time.

So you can only imagine how much of a sad time this was for me.

I was cocooning myself, deeper into isolation, becoming unrecognizable. To the point that a psychedelic opened up my mind so hard to recognize parts of me that weren’t me, and made me get rid of them. It made me value and cherish my body more.

Now I’m 24 going on 25, in a relationship with someone that obviously does not treat my body like a meat sack.

With all that being said, I don’t agree with today’s hook up culture at all. No one should just share their body like that just because. I feel like sex should not just be something to get off.

Obviously yeah that’s the point right? But I feel like people should consider sex as a sacred act. Helping you form deep connections if done with the right person.

It’s beautiful, and being able to appreciate a body for being beautiful as well as intimately is great.

I love sex, I am so sex positive. But not in the way in which you think. Obviously explore yourself, and your depths and others. But don’t just throw yourself out there. Speaking from experience it is insane how much energy you carry from previous lovers. So pick the energy wisely.

These are things I wish I had known more then. But wisdom happens from experience. So I share this with you, hoping you take something from this, and cherish your bodies more. They are sacred vessels we are gifted.

I’d also like to note that I don’t care if you the reader are promiscuous in any shape or form. I really couldn’t care less about your sex life. I however navigated life differently, being 16, and having teenage hormones and past trauma experiences, make it to where me now just views sex in a more sacred way.

Also safe sex is great sex, and people that are being sexually active should always get tested. Especially if you’re hooking up with multiple people.

Live your life, but live it mindfully. Thank you for being here, and thank you for listening to me.