Can I Work On Not Being Jealous?

The other night, we went out to a show. I like the music scene we go to—everyone is super lovely, and I never have a sour taste in my mouth from the interactions we run into. They’re always fun, and I have the best conversations more often than not. As you may know, I haven’t been drinking or doing any party favors. I’d like to think that this doesn’t limit my ability to enjoy myself, but for whatever reason, I wasn’t able to hold solid conversations with anyone that night—partially because I was tired, and talking felt like a chore.

How It Started

I felt bad when my significant other was constantly talking to these people we call our friends. I didn’t want to butt in because they were all deeply engaged in conversation. But they aren’t my friends; they are his friends. The reason I say this is because they aren’t jumping to communicate with me. They don’t come to me for conversation the way they do with him. I know that I haven’t been in the music scene as long as they have, but there is this almost elitism about it—like the moments where if you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand, so why bother explaining?

I don’t like to seem like I’m crazy, but his one friend arrived and greeted him with a hug and a hello—not me. Then they were so wrapped up in conversation that it was almost as if I wasn’t there. This is fine; I’m not the type to let certain things bother me. But there was a moment when the dude went to get water, and it was just for the two of them. He didn’t even ask me. This happened, and I thought, It’s whatever, I shouldn’t care. But my significant other didn’t even bother to ask me if I wanted a sip.

You may be thinking, Why didn’t you just ask if you were thirsty? But that’s not the point.

When I say these things, I might seem out of sorts, but that hurt my feelings. I would have asked him because I think about him in that way. I shouldn’t expect things from people—they aren’t mind readers. But I feel as though this is basic relationship niceness, or care. Like, if I got a piece of pizza from someone and my partner didn’t, I’d give him a bite of mine without him even having to ask. That’s just the type of person I am.

The night went on, and I was trying to enjoy myself in the best way I could—dancing and trying to shake off any bad vibes I was letting myself ruminate in. But then he was just full-blown talking almost the entire time we were at this show. It felt like going to a concert and essentially paying to hang out with people who don’t even check up on you. These are people who don’t message us to hang out or check in throughout the year. But conveniently, when we see them, we are all of a sudden the best friends they’ve ever had.

Well—not so much me.

I’ll be civil, but if you consider yourself someone who cares about me and wants me in your life, you have to put in a wee bit more effort than just saying hi because you see me in person.

There was a moment when one of his friend’s girlfriends was talking to my partner about whatever they were talking about. Like I said earlier, I’m not going to interject myself into something I wasn’t a part of from the beginning—especially since, from where I was standing, I couldn’t even hear the conversation. We were at a show with loud music. But they were talking so intensely—something I wished I could have been a part of, but loud music and having to yell? Too much work.

Maybe they could tell that talking felt like a chore to me. I’m not sure. I made sure to smile as much as I could, and I tried to talk as much as I could, but I fear my words don’t always hold weight.

I was hurt.

I may have even been a little jealous.

Okay, maybe more than a little.

Why, you may ask?

Well, those are things I am trying to figure out as I type. The biggest thing for me was the body language I was noticing. He was clinging to her every word—so wrapped up. Even when they were done talking, the way his body was facing made it seem like he was waiting for whatever words could fall into his ears.

I don’t want to be the crazy girlfriend who has to hear everything he says, but like—what was she even saying that needed his full attention? So much so that he couldn’t even bother to ask me if I wanted a sip of water?

Hope Heals

I digress.

The more I think about it, the more it upsets me. Life is to be cherished, and people are entitled to talk to whoever they want to talk to. This made me reflect a lot on things I need to work on.

Maybe I was jealous of him for being so charismatic.
Jealous that this other woman was able to grasp his attention in ways that I wish I could.
Maybe I hate seeing him enjoy himself.
Maybe I was too in my head about the whole thing and internally blew it out of proportion.
Or maybe—just maybe—he should have been a little bit more thoughtful.

I’m not sure.

The only thing I know for sure is that I have things I need to heal within myself.

I want to be so comfortable in what I hold that stuff like that doesn’t bother me—especially with how much I get in my head. Going sober makes you pay attention to things more. Maybe a little too much, in my perspective.

I almost thought about leaving the venue without him—Irish goodbye style.

Thank God I didn’t.

I’m not sure how I would have gone about explaining myself.