Procrastination of The Fittest

Realizing I have been in state of overconsumption hurts. I haven’t been creating. Only consuming. The thought of that alone consumes me. Which is funny if you think about it. I’ve been telling myself to create more, but it’s been so hard. For whatever reason I have been chained by the apparent need-to-know what other people are doing with their lives, so I can get an idea of what todo with mine.

My experience is different from everyone else’s. I don’t need to be anyone or look a particular way. Or have what other people have in order to realize that what I have is sufficient enough. My life is enough and I need to use my over consumption energy into curating the best possible outcome for myself. Whatever that may be.

However that is the scary part, and maybe part of the reason why I feel anxious about living. I’m overthinking myself into overconsumption. It seems like it’s easier to watch someone live the life without you making those risks. I don’t like that about myself. I don’t want to watch on the sidelines and basically let my life pass me by. But for some reason I get so sucked in to the online. Getting distracted by things that don’t matter.

Not putting my ideas in to fruition in any way. I can’t tell you the last time I let my brain be bored without a screen. Maybe a music festival or spending quality times with others. I know what I need todo, but I don’t know how to go about living. It seems easier to bed rot and just go to work every day than actually trying to make a better life for myself. Putting that into words really scared me. Like I’ve shared in previous posts. Saying the big things out loud help put into perspective what we are facing here.

I’m not saying I haven’t don’t things that are fruitful in my life, because I have. I’ve traveled around, I’ve been to countless music festivals and I have met amazing people. But yet I sit here pondering about the fact that I hate working where I do and I haven’t actively done things to be better.

It’s actual insanity at this point, and I’m starting to get to the point in my job where I am realizing how much of a push over I have been. All this time, I have let people walk all over me. I’ve had about enough of it. I need to respect myself more in this specific avenue of my life. Closed mouths don’t get fed at the end of the day.